Shinealight Ministries Forum Index Shinealight Ministries
A friendly chat forum for all the family


Very funny stuff!!

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Shinealight Ministries Forum Index -> Something funny
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Please Register and Login to this forum to stop seeing this advertising.






 Posted:     Post subject: Back to top

 
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:37 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote Back to top

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

I hope you don't mind, but I entered your name in a draw For a 7 Night cruise along the mighty MURRAY RIVER
It's on the fabulous new "Murray Belle", have you ever heard of it?


All fares, transfers, food and drinks are included .
Upper deck for 1st Class Passengers
ALSO... For one evening only-
Dinner at the captain's table, as his personal guest.
Good luck, I hope you win!


'The Murray Belle' is shown below...........






Your first night's meal promises to be scrumptious, featuring fillet
Of Cod, great local produce and wines to die for, with all you can eat Boiled Murray Cray! Boy, we wish we were going with you.

If you win, make sure to send pictures, especially of the Famous,
'Ole' Muddy Midnight Skinny Dip, with your hostesses Tracey and Shazza.



Since you may have the presidential suite, you will have a balcony view and the finest facilities.




Nothing is too good for my friends!

Good luck and please, there's no need to thank me...... If you're lucky enough to win just simply enjoy!!!
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B****rd)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

BIG PEOPLE WORDS


A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery School.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO baby talk!  

You  need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was  always reminding them.



She asked John what he had done over the weekend?  



'I went to visit my Nana'..



No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  



Use 'Big People'  words!'  



She then asked Mitchell what he had done  



'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.



She said.  'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.  



You must remember to use 'Big People'  words'.



She then asked little Alex what he had done?



'I   read a book' he replied.



That's  WONDERFUL!' the teacher  said.  



'What book did you read?'



(I   love this..)  



Alex thought really hard about it,  



then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



"WINNIE  the SHIT"
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.  
(wait for it, wait for it. It's  worth it)...      AFTER Tweety is  caught, scroll down.....














































This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2  seconds       -         there's hope for you
2-5 seconds        -         having a bad day?  
5-10 seconds     -          are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds    -          remedial classes  are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds   -            it is recommended that you don't  breed.
30 sec-1 min     -           you probably can't read this anyway, So why  bother?
1-2 min              -         the equivalent of the  average house plant
2-5 min              -         Good  afternoon  Jessica Simpson  
5 min -1 hr          -         Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus              -         Congratulations  You have a negative IQ.








To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot...

 














  HEY - DON'T BLAME ME...YOU SHOULD KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.


Last edited by Capt Kirk on Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:39 pm; edited 6 times in total
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.



   A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a
sleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does nothing at  all, it's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick."
 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Capt Kirk
Site Admin
Site Admin
Status:

FLAGS

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 4314


Location: UK

 PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top



 
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Shinealight Ministries Forum Index -> Something funny All times are GMT - 1 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Create your own free forum | Buy a domain to use with your forum
We hope you enjoyed your stay at Shinealight Ministries, please call back soon and tell your friends about us.